Ten Years, Mom
I think the hardest part, is that I can't find out the little things. What did she think of the show 'Friends', did she prefer stemmed or stemless wine glasses, how did she take her coffee? (...did she even drink coffee, or did she prefer tea?) Would she like the fact that I've been highlighting my hair and am so far from my natural dark brown or would she absolutely hate it? These things all seem so trivial, until you aren't ever able to know.
I believe we all have multiple paths in life that are right for us. And the things that happen to us and the choices we make dictate which path we ultimately end up on. It's a combination of both of these things that bring us to the reality that is present for each of us.
There are some days when I wish for nothing but the life that she left behind. My life with her in it. Maybe that means back in Pittsburgh and I went to school closer to home to be with her or moved back after college. That I still see her frequently and am close to home. Our lives are so intertwined - we talk on the phone each day, she knows the ins and outs of my schedule and I hers. I cannot even fathom my life without her in it. She is such an integral part of my daily routines and my livelihood that being away from my Mom isn't even an option in my mind. This reality isn't really something I crave much anymore, I think 17 year old Kate would have, but I don't.
Then there are days when I am so genuinely in love with my life and where I am in it that I imagine with "this" version of my life looks like, but with her in it. She helps me move down to Virginia Tech into West AJ and comes to pick me up for holiday breaks, always wearing her VT sweatshirt to games when she comes for parents weekend. Her helping me move out to Colorado and more recently California to help me set up and decorate my apartment and get dinner at the cute little restaurants down the street. Me being able to call her when things got really really hard. Her coming to visit for the holidays I don't fly home for, or us planning a weekend in California that aligns with a free weekend on my work travel. A version where she has met all of my friends, my roommates, my most recent boyfriend and knows who all of my coworkers are. I get to call her to complain about work problems and when I don't understand my medical insurance and how much to tip the mailman during the holidays. She knows my life as I know it and somehow in this unaltered reality for me, she is still here. I crave that reality every single day.
I know both of these scenarios will never be true, and that is what keeps me up at night. Thinking about the possibilities of my life with her still in it. How different I am than I was ten years ago (thankfully) and how much I have been through and how much I have grown. Some days it's hard for me to comprehend my mom knowing me as I am now because of just how different I was, and how different things are, than when she died. Ten years does a lot to a person, and each day is a continuous struggle to keep the part of me that knew her and also grow into the person I am meant to become.
Of course I remember the big things; the values she had, her beliefs, the things she would probably say. But I think all the time about the little things. The things that would have surprised me, or that I'll never find out about her now that she's gone. I have so many memories of her, photographs and videos and her personal belongings. Even journals she wrote for me and my siblings, however what I crave most is that ever changing and ever growing relationship that builds with time. That is what her loss has taken from me among many other things, the ability to get to know my mom as an adult and a friend, not just a parent. Each day I try to be thankful for the things her life did give me, and how much better I am for having a part of her with me each and every day, but other days it's not as easy.
Today, ten years after saying goodbye to her, I am still thankful for the time in my life that I got to spend with her, and the fact that she will always be a part of me. So yes, some days I am left wondering what she would think of my life as it is, but most days, I bask in the freedom of my life as I have chosen it and know she would be beyond happy for me just the way I am.
I believe we all have multiple paths in life that are right for us. And the things that happen to us and the choices we make dictate which path we ultimately end up on. It's a combination of both of these things that bring us to the reality that is present for each of us.
There are some days when I wish for nothing but the life that she left behind. My life with her in it. Maybe that means back in Pittsburgh and I went to school closer to home to be with her or moved back after college. That I still see her frequently and am close to home. Our lives are so intertwined - we talk on the phone each day, she knows the ins and outs of my schedule and I hers. I cannot even fathom my life without her in it. She is such an integral part of my daily routines and my livelihood that being away from my Mom isn't even an option in my mind. This reality isn't really something I crave much anymore, I think 17 year old Kate would have, but I don't.
Then there are days when I am so genuinely in love with my life and where I am in it that I imagine with "this" version of my life looks like, but with her in it. She helps me move down to Virginia Tech into West AJ and comes to pick me up for holiday breaks, always wearing her VT sweatshirt to games when she comes for parents weekend. Her helping me move out to Colorado and more recently California to help me set up and decorate my apartment and get dinner at the cute little restaurants down the street. Me being able to call her when things got really really hard. Her coming to visit for the holidays I don't fly home for, or us planning a weekend in California that aligns with a free weekend on my work travel. A version where she has met all of my friends, my roommates, my most recent boyfriend and knows who all of my coworkers are. I get to call her to complain about work problems and when I don't understand my medical insurance and how much to tip the mailman during the holidays. She knows my life as I know it and somehow in this unaltered reality for me, she is still here. I crave that reality every single day.
I know both of these scenarios will never be true, and that is what keeps me up at night. Thinking about the possibilities of my life with her still in it. How different I am than I was ten years ago (thankfully) and how much I have been through and how much I have grown. Some days it's hard for me to comprehend my mom knowing me as I am now because of just how different I was, and how different things are, than when she died. Ten years does a lot to a person, and each day is a continuous struggle to keep the part of me that knew her and also grow into the person I am meant to become.
Of course I remember the big things; the values she had, her beliefs, the things she would probably say. But I think all the time about the little things. The things that would have surprised me, or that I'll never find out about her now that she's gone. I have so many memories of her, photographs and videos and her personal belongings. Even journals she wrote for me and my siblings, however what I crave most is that ever changing and ever growing relationship that builds with time. That is what her loss has taken from me among many other things, the ability to get to know my mom as an adult and a friend, not just a parent. Each day I try to be thankful for the things her life did give me, and how much better I am for having a part of her with me each and every day, but other days it's not as easy.
Today, ten years after saying goodbye to her, I am still thankful for the time in my life that I got to spend with her, and the fact that she will always be a part of me. So yes, some days I am left wondering what she would think of my life as it is, but most days, I bask in the freedom of my life as I have chosen it and know she would be beyond happy for me just the way I am.
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