Free Spirit
"Wow you are SO brave, I could NEVER doing that."
"You are just such a free spirit, I admire that so much about you."
"I can't believe you just got a new job and moved. That must have been so hard."
"So you're the free spirit of the family, that's crazy that you don't live near your parents anymore."
These are all things that have been said to me in the past 2 months by very close friends, social media acquaintances, and absolute total strangers. Every time I hear those words "free spirit" or "you're so brave" they hit me differently each time. Some days I shrug them off and just convince myself those people are jumping to conclusions. Other days I wear them like a badge of honor and am truly proud of the steps I have taken for myself and my life the past few weeks, months, and years.
I'm not sure if any of you are "astrology" people or believe in any of that, but despite how much I follow astrology and read horoscopes daily, I don't know if I ever really "believed" that I was a Sagittarius (November 23rd - December 21st). For those of you that aren't familiar, here is a general rundown of my horoscope sign:
Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life.
"You are just such a free spirit, I admire that so much about you."
"I can't believe you just got a new job and moved. That must have been so hard."
"So you're the free spirit of the family, that's crazy that you don't live near your parents anymore."
These are all things that have been said to me in the past 2 months by very close friends, social media acquaintances, and absolute total strangers. Every time I hear those words "free spirit" or "you're so brave" they hit me differently each time. Some days I shrug them off and just convince myself those people are jumping to conclusions. Other days I wear them like a badge of honor and am truly proud of the steps I have taken for myself and my life the past few weeks, months, and years.
I'm not sure if any of you are "astrology" people or believe in any of that, but despite how much I follow astrology and read horoscopes daily, I don't know if I ever really "believed" that I was a Sagittarius (November 23rd - December 21st). For those of you that aren't familiar, here is a general rundown of my horoscope sign:
Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life.
Sagittarius is an extrovert, optimistic and enthusiastic, and likes changes. Sagittarius-born are able to transform their thoughts into concrete actions and they will do anything to achieve their goals.
Let's assess the traits here: I am an introvert. I do not like planning travel. I HATE having deep philosophical conversations about abstract topics such as the meaning of life. And to be totally honest I am not "internally motivated" and never really saw myself as a go-getter. I am not a big fan of change, I'm a homebody that likes my routine. From a young age I envisioned myself settling down with a husband and kids and that was truly something I went after very actively for a long time.
But when I really truly think about it, here are the facts:
In the past 4 years I have picked up and moved my life across the country TWICE. I have left very stable jobs that no longer held my attention or served me. I have given up steady relationships that were "good" to find something "great". I have watched the majority of my friends or people my age get engaged, get married, buy homes, settle down, have their own babies and generally "grow up" (maybe not in that exact order, but you know what I'm saying).
Most days, I feel like I am "behind" in life. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I don't have a house that I share with a partner, a giant diamond ring on my left hand, I'm not planning a wedding or a nursery for a baby or "building" my life in the ways that I thought I would be at this age. I yearn and crave those things so deeply, because I know in my heart that means a family, and a connection, and somewhere I belong. And some days, that truly, truly hurts. It's excruciating. Knowing that I have spent the last 5 years chasing my career and cities and spending weeks upon weeks in hotel rooms for work trips, it gets to me.
But then there are other days when I feel so accomplished and free. That I recognize these steps I have taken, and know that some people will never do ANYTHING like this in their entire lives, and here I am still standing after everything. Knowing that I didn't have to consult ANYONE when I was offered a new job that required relocation to a different state. That I ALONE was apartment hunting and deciding what I was looking for in a new place. There's a true freedom that I have been living these past few years, and it usually takes an off handed comment from a stranger about my "free spirit" to remind me what the hell I am doing, and why the hell I am doing it.
Please don't get me wrong, I still want to get married, have babies, and ideally not live in a one bedroom apartment for the rest of my life (#millenialprobs). But I now know the person I am without having all of those things as distractions or other factors to define who I am in this world. I know those things will be in my future, but realizing that I don't need to be in a rush to get there or to have them, is truly freeing and gives me such peace. It's something I have struggled with for years and years, and will probably continue to do so. However, there is an acceptance that comes with the anxiety and struggle of this season of my life, and I know this too one day shall pass. So I'm sure in the future this Sagittarius will "settle down", but in the meantime I'll be out here embracing my inner extrovert and chasing my wanderlust to the best of my ability.
Most days, I feel like I am "behind" in life. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I don't have a house that I share with a partner, a giant diamond ring on my left hand, I'm not planning a wedding or a nursery for a baby or "building" my life in the ways that I thought I would be at this age. I yearn and crave those things so deeply, because I know in my heart that means a family, and a connection, and somewhere I belong. And some days, that truly, truly hurts. It's excruciating. Knowing that I have spent the last 5 years chasing my career and cities and spending weeks upon weeks in hotel rooms for work trips, it gets to me.
But then there are other days when I feel so accomplished and free. That I recognize these steps I have taken, and know that some people will never do ANYTHING like this in their entire lives, and here I am still standing after everything. Knowing that I didn't have to consult ANYONE when I was offered a new job that required relocation to a different state. That I ALONE was apartment hunting and deciding what I was looking for in a new place. There's a true freedom that I have been living these past few years, and it usually takes an off handed comment from a stranger about my "free spirit" to remind me what the hell I am doing, and why the hell I am doing it.
Please don't get me wrong, I still want to get married, have babies, and ideally not live in a one bedroom apartment for the rest of my life (#millenialprobs). But I now know the person I am without having all of those things as distractions or other factors to define who I am in this world. I know those things will be in my future, but realizing that I don't need to be in a rush to get there or to have them, is truly freeing and gives me such peace. It's something I have struggled with for years and years, and will probably continue to do so. However, there is an acceptance that comes with the anxiety and struggle of this season of my life, and I know this too one day shall pass. So I'm sure in the future this Sagittarius will "settle down", but in the meantime I'll be out here embracing my inner extrovert and chasing my wanderlust to the best of my ability.
Comments