tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-74616944281197596322024-03-20T03:18:51.878-07:00Little Kate Big WorldLittle Kate Big Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07771646280233893950noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7461694428119759632.post-83834805734840083652020-05-15T12:04:00.000-07:002020-05-15T12:04:19.029-07:00Facemasks and Faith<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">I'm not sure about you all, but I have been sleeping like shit lately. Maybe it's the stress, anxiety, and grief that is caused by the overall trauma of being in a global pandemic and collectively experiencing the trauma of our world as we know it shutting down. Who knows though, maybe it's just me (lol).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">So the other morning, wide awake at my usual 4:30-5:00AM hour, instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media apps until there is a blister on my fingers from my pop socket, I decided to get my butt up and do some yoga. So I pulled myself out of my comfy bed, put on my brightest pair of leggings, and found a 60 minute Core Power On Demand class that looked good enough for this morning. Despite the fact that it felt like an eternity and every four seconds I was reminding myself to pay attention and not get distracted, it was a good way to start my morning and focus on the day. Since I still had some time before I had to log on to start work, I decided to take a quick walk down to the overlook by my apartment to see the ocean. Since moving to California I have tried my hardest to not take this place for granted, and to appreciate all of the small things that I craved when moving here (aka being 100 yards away from the ocean). So after donning a bandana as a facemask I walked down to what is usually a gorgeous view overlooking the ocean, palm trees, and the cliffs of Del Mar looking down into La Jolla cove. Instead, today, I saw one singular palm tree, and fog. I could barely see about 15 feet in front of me, let alone down to the gorgeous waves crashing against the beach. Womp Womp.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Instead of being bummed out, upset, or letting this ONE small thing ruin my entire, what I'm sure will be end up being a gorgeous day, the first thing that popped into my brain was: this is faith. Not being able to see something, but still knowing it's there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Although I couldn't physically see the ocean, I could hear it, the waves crashing against the rocks, I could feel the mist in the morning breeze. And somehow at that time, on that day, I knew things would be okay. I wasn't sure when, or how, or even what "okay" will look like, but I know it's coming. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Sometimes it's really hard to have faith in the things that you are uncertain of, and I know right now, there is A LOT to be uncertain of. It's scary, traumatic, anxiety-inducing, and extremely stressful. I know faith isn't the answer to all of our questions, but it's hope that there will one day be a solution, an answer, and that everything will be okay. Or at least better than it is right now. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">One of the blessings of being "less busy" right now is that I have found Brene Brown's podcast "Unlocking Us". If you are a Brene Brown fan, or if you have never heard of her, PLEASE give the podcast a listen. It's full of great gems to get us through this insane time emotionally. I have been a fan of hers for years, and I am constantly reminded of this quote of hers: </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">“</span><b style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;">Faith</b><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 16px;"> is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.</span></span></div>
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That morning, staring at the fog, hearing the ocean, and feeling anxious about where we are and we are going, I was able to take a breath. To relax. To smile. To be thankful for what I have (my health, the sun, my cat, food, and a job still), and gave myself grace in the things I am still uncertain of. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Take care of yourselves and each other, friends, and have a little faith. Much love xoxo </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKCy-bQkabUKTWAaPAwO7uZlKDzxqxqxzkMGDzn8ZmpCK5XSPzz_pyqZKQH3sQuJ_bOOXUhZp2pkr2xKHz4bfOjcE4hUf9QYhUlqBex9SaX52RrEywywy42ncbziVcd1tCE9kgDxggSjW9/s1600/IMG_6463.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1600" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKCy-bQkabUKTWAaPAwO7uZlKDzxqxqxzkMGDzn8ZmpCK5XSPzz_pyqZKQH3sQuJ_bOOXUhZp2pkr2xKHz4bfOjcE4hUf9QYhUlqBex9SaX52RrEywywy42ncbziVcd1tCE9kgDxggSjW9/s400/IMG_6463.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Top: a normal day from my oceanside cliff<br />
Bottom: my morning view</td></tr>
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<br />Little Kate Big Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07771646280233893950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7461694428119759632.post-67303843745974582112019-11-01T01:06:00.001-07:002019-11-01T01:06:30.915-07:00Ten Years, Mom I think the hardest part, is that I can't find out the little things. What did she think of the show 'Friends', did she prefer stemmed or stemless wine glasses, how did she take her coffee? (...did she even drink coffee, or did she prefer tea?) Would she like the fact that I've been highlighting my hair and am so far from my natural dark brown or would she absolutely hate it? These things all seem so trivial, until you aren't ever able to know.<br />
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I believe we all have multiple paths in life that are right for us. And the things that happen to us and the choices we make dictate which path we ultimately end up on. It's a combination of both of these things that bring us to the reality that is present for each of us.<br />
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There are some days when I wish for nothing but the life that she left behind. My life with her in it. Maybe that means back in Pittsburgh and I went to school closer to home to be with her or moved back after college. That I still see her frequently and am close to home. Our lives are so intertwined - we talk on the phone each day, she knows the ins and outs of my schedule and I hers. I cannot even fathom my life without her in it. She is such an integral part of my daily routines and my livelihood that being away from my Mom isn't even an option in my mind. This reality isn't really something I crave much anymore, I think 17 year old Kate would have, but I don't.<br />
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Then there are days when I am so genuinely in love with my life and where I am in it that I imagine with "this" version of my life looks like, but with her in it. She helps me move down to Virginia Tech into West AJ and comes to pick me up for holiday breaks, always wearing her VT sweatshirt to games when she comes for parents weekend. Her helping me move out to Colorado and more recently California to help me set up and decorate my apartment and get dinner at the cute little restaurants down the street. Me being able to call her when things got really really hard. Her coming to visit for the holidays I don't fly home for, or us planning a weekend in California that aligns with a free weekend on my work travel. A version where she has met all of my friends, my roommates, my most recent boyfriend and knows who all of my coworkers are. I get to call her to complain about work problems and when I don't understand my medical insurance and how much to tip the mailman during the holidays. She knows my life as I know it and somehow in this unaltered reality for me, she is still here. I crave that reality every single day.<br /><br />I know both of these scenarios will never be true, and that is what keeps me up at night. Thinking about the possibilities of my life with her still in it. How different I am than I was ten years ago (thankfully) and how much I have been through and how much I have grown. Some days it's hard for me to comprehend my mom knowing me as I am now because of just how different I was, and how different things are, than when she died. Ten years does a lot to a person, and each day is a continuous struggle to keep the part of me that knew her and also grow into the person I am meant to become.<br />
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Of course I remember the big things; the values she had, her beliefs, the things she would probably say. But I think all the time about the little things. The things that would have surprised me, or that I'll never find out about her now that she's gone. I have so many memories of her, photographs and videos and her personal belongings. Even journals she wrote for me and my siblings, however what I crave most is that ever changing and ever growing relationship that builds with time. That is what her loss has taken from me among many other things, the ability to get to know my mom as an adult and a friend, not just a parent. Each day I try to be thankful for the things her life did give me, and how much better I am for having a part of her with me each and every day, but other days it's not as easy.<br />
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Today, ten years after saying goodbye to her, I am still thankful for the time in my life that I got to spend with her, and the fact that she will always be a part of me. So yes, some days I am left wondering what she would think of my life as it is, but most days, I bask in the freedom of my life as I have chosen it and know she would be beyond happy for me just the way I am.Little Kate Big Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07771646280233893950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7461694428119759632.post-69044674344044330872019-10-22T21:51:00.003-07:002019-10-22T21:51:56.712-07:00Free Spirit"Wow you are SO brave, I could NEVER doing that."<br />
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"You are just such a free spirit, I admire that so much about you."<br />
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"I can't believe you just got a new job and moved. That must have been so hard."<br />
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"So you're the free spirit of the family, that's crazy that you don't live near your parents anymore." <br />
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These are all things that have been said to me in the past 2 months by very close friends, social media acquaintances, and absolute total strangers. Every time I hear those words "free spirit" or "you're so brave" they hit me differently each time. Some days I shrug them off and just convince myself those people are jumping to conclusions. Other days I wear them like a badge of honor and am truly proud of the steps I have taken for myself and my life the past few weeks, months, and years.<br />
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I'm not sure if any of you are "astrology" people or believe in any of that, but despite how much I follow astrology and read horoscopes daily, I don't know if I ever really "believed" that I was a Sagittarius (November 23rd - December 21st). For those of you that aren't familiar, here is a general rundown of my horoscope sign:<br />
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Curious and energetic, Sagittarius is one of the biggest travelers among all zodiac signs. Their open mind and philosophical view motivates them to wander around the world in search of the meaning of life.<br />Sagittarius is an extrovert, optimistic and enthusiastic, and likes changes. Sagittarius-born are able to transform their thoughts into concrete actions and they will do anything to achieve their goals. </h4>
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Let's assess the traits here: I am an introvert. I do not like planning travel. I HATE having deep philosophical conversations about abstract topics such as the meaning of life. And to be totally honest I am not "internally motivated" and never really saw myself as a go-getter. I am not a big fan of change, I'm a homebody that likes my routine. From a young age I envisioned myself settling down with a husband and kids and that was truly something I went after very actively for a long time. </div>
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But when I really truly think about it, here are the facts:</div>
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In the past 4 years I have picked up and moved my life across the country TWICE. I have left very stable jobs that no longer held my attention or served me. I have given up steady relationships that were "good" to find something "great". I have watched the majority of my friends or people my age get engaged, get married, buy homes, settle down, have their own babies and generally "grow up" (maybe not in that exact order, but you know what I'm saying).<br />
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Most days, I feel like I am "behind" in life. I feel like there is something wrong with me that I don't have a house that I share with a partner, a giant diamond ring on my left hand, I'm not planning a wedding or a nursery for a baby or "building" my life in the ways that I thought I would be at this age. I yearn and crave those things so deeply, because I know in my heart that means a family, and a connection, and somewhere I belong. And some days, that truly, truly hurts. It's excruciating. Knowing that I have spent the last 5 years chasing my career and cities and spending weeks upon weeks in hotel rooms for work trips, it gets to me.<br />
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But then there are other days when I feel so accomplished and free. That I recognize these steps I have taken, and know that some people will never do ANYTHING like this in their entire lives, and here I am still standing after everything. Knowing that I didn't have to consult ANYONE when I was offered a new job that required relocation to a different state. That I ALONE was apartment hunting and deciding what I was looking for in a new place. There's a true freedom that I have been living these past few years, and it usually takes an off handed comment from a stranger about my "free spirit" to remind me what the hell I am doing, and why the hell I am doing it.<br />
<br />Please don't get me wrong, I still want to get married, have babies, and ideally not live in a one bedroom apartment for the rest of my life (#millenialprobs). But I now know the person I am without having all of those things as distractions or other factors to define who I am in this world. I know those things will be in my future, but realizing that I don't need to be in a rush to get there or to have them, is truly freeing and gives me such peace. It's something I have struggled with for years and years, and will probably continue to do so. However, there is an acceptance that comes with the anxiety and struggle of this season of my life, and I know this too one day shall pass. So I'm sure in the future this Sagittarius will "settle down", but in the meantime I'll be out here embracing my inner extrovert and chasing my wanderlust to the best of my ability. </div>
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Little Kate Big Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07771646280233893950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7461694428119759632.post-64567177593679771012018-10-22T12:52:00.000-07:002018-10-22T12:52:00.471-07:00Home; a definition Home. It's an odd concept. One I've been wrestling with defining for a very long time. I think "home" is different for everyone. For some, it's the house you grew up in, your immediate family members, your significant other, or the city in which you live. For others it's maybe a little more abstract, perhaps it's a person or a place you can no longer go back to, a state of mind or being, or something you are constantly searching for. I've had conversations with people asking them "where they are from" or "where is home?" in airports and cafes and at work and hotel bars. Everyone has a different answer, a different concept or explanation. "Born and raised in _____" or "been in ______ for 20 years now so guess that's home". Sometimes they tell me about their families or their loved ones they are going to see or missing. It's different for everyone, and something that I think is intensely important to wrestle with.<br />
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For me, home has been an idea and feeling that comes and goes. There are days when I wake up, and it's a person. Someone that no matter how long it's been or where we are at as far as a relationship goes, being with them feels like the most natural thing in the world. Then there are days when I wake up, and it's a place. I think it depends on where I am both physically and mentally at the time. Sometimes I have to talk myself out of my "ideas" of what I think home is or what it <i>should</i> be. People will tell you not to make a home out of a person, because people leave. Others will tell you that if we don't make homes in other people, what the hell are we living for? We all go through life experiencing and believing different things, and the concept and feeling of home is no exception.<br />
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When I travel for work, it can be a very a very alienating time for me. I spend weeks at a time on the road, away from my friends and those I love, away from my apartment and city that I call home, and away from my daily routine that most call "life". I am in a different city or hotel most nights, eating take-out and Starbucks everyday. It's on these trips that I truly start to reflect on what makes something feel like home to me. They are a constant reminder of the comfort that I find in those I love, and creating a life and memories with those people. I am also constantly reminded of the things that everyone else calls home, as most days I am in high schools and speaking with students and families. Meeting them in THEIR neighborhoods and communities. Their homes. I see people from all walks of life, coming from different places, and the one constant I see in these trips is that everyone has something they call home, and I am usually meeting them in it. That makes my struggle with home and being alone on these trips exponentially harder. It makes me feel like a shell of a person, and reminds me of the things I am missing out on. That discomfort and emptiness leads to more thought of what home is, and where I will finally find it, or if I already have.<br />
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Home to me is whatever fills my cup and makes me feel whole. Sometimes that is my best friends, scattered across the country (and world). It's my bed in my apartment and cuddled up with my cat and a good cup of homemade coffee. Somedays it's the ocean on travel season on the coast of California, or the mountains of Colorado that have gotten me through two of the hardest but best years of my life. Other days it's Blacksburg, Virginia and the small college town that shaped the person I am today or a phone call and the voice of someone I love. The past 26 years have taught me and shaped me in a lot of different ways, but I think home is something I will always continue to chase. The concept has never been easy for me to define, and there have been many events in my life that have caused that confusion and make me think differently about it.<br />
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So I hope today, you feel at home, or have something that feels like home to you. Whether you are getting to cherish is, missing it, or longing for it, I hope you are happy with whatever home is for you. And if you haven't found it yet, keep searching. Someday it will come, and maybe that journey is part of finding home, too.Little Kate Big Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07771646280233893950noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7461694428119759632.post-87169479524552829252018-10-20T15:14:00.000-07:002018-10-20T15:16:30.393-07:00Starting OverHello everyone! Whether you are a first time follower, and old time reader, an internet friend, or a real friend - welcome. This is my space. MINE. It will essentially serve as a mix between my travel journal, my daily diary, and my place for thoughts that are longer than 140 characters or an annoyingly long Instagram caption. Hopefully you all will enjoy reading this, but if not, that's fine. Godspeed keeping up with my travels, trials and tribulations, and occasional ramblings about life and probably love.<br />
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For those of you that are internet friends, or haven't been around much: here's a little catching up for you. I am an admissions professional living in Boulder, Colorado. I travel pretty frequently for work and spend a large amount of time in Northern California and the San Francisco Bay Area. I've got a cat named Chandler, and am just trying to figure out this whole "life" thing. There are days when I really really really feel like I have my sh*t together, and days when I feel like my universe is collapsing around me.<br />
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I try to keep things honest and raw, hope you enjoy following along :)Little Kate Big Worldhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07771646280233893950noreply@blogger.com0