Sunday, January 8, 2017

These words are all I have

Not gonna lie, kind of forgot about this blog, and I'm sure nobody reads it anymore, so I guess for now I can use it as my own outlet. 

As I sit here, 1519 miles from the apartment I was calling home this time last year, in a bed in a room surrounded by all of my possessions, even though on the outside I look and may seem so normal, nothing feels like it should here. Everything is different, and everything hurts. Day to day, I survive. I get by. I get up. I go to work. I do my work. I come home. Rinse and repeat. My brain is a cloud of fog. I am alone in a city in which I knew not a single soul before moving. Everything in my life that meant anything to me prior to the past 6 months is on the opposite side of the country. And I could not be more scared. 

I am scared I'll never find my calling, my dream job. Scared I'll never find my home. I'm scared that when the man I'm supposed to spend my life with comes (or has already come and gone) I won't know. I'm scared I'll constantly be comparing my imperfect life to the perfect one in my head for what my future holds. I'm scared this disease will never leave me alone to be normal. 

That's just the tip of the iceberg. Here comes the anxiety that lies in wait for the depression to wear me down. Battle after battle, I am bloody and battered and tired. That is when the anxiety preys on the weak shell of a person the depression has left behind. They work as a team, the depression sets in soft and slow, and the anxiety swoops in at the end to quickly finish the job. 

1 comment:

Kate said...

Hi Kate!

I don't know if you still check your blog but I feel like I have to leave a comment anyway.

I feel like it was a bit of a destiny that I came across your blog. I want to start my own blog and was just searching if there are any blogs called Kate's World on the internet and yours came up. My name is actually Katerina but I go by Kate.

Believe it or not, I know how you feel. 19 months ago I moved more than 1000 km away from my home to a whole different country. I've never been more scared in my life and at some point I had no idea why I even moved. But now I can say that it was the best decision I ever made, despite all the stress, sadness and struggles. I've learnt so much in the time of being away from evertyhing that was so familiar to me. I learnt how to depend on myself and have developed so much.

It is a hard journey but as long as you're doing something you really care about, you will make it! Everyone looks normal on the outside but everyone has his own worries even if they don't let it on. My advice is to take joy in little everyday things, that really helped me. I'm sure you have found some friends by now and made a lot of progress on your journey.

Just hold on and I wish you the best of luck to soon find what you're looking for!

Yours sincerely,