Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I Just Want To Be Normal


I just want to be normal.
I want to wake up in the morning without pain.

I want to be able to go to the gym in the weeks before spring break to feel good about myself. 
I want to be in control of my body, and not constantly being at the mercy of steroids and their horrible affects on my body.
I want to live a life where I am not depending on Tylenol and other painkillers every 4-6 hours just to get through the day. 

I want to go one solid week, literally seven days without going to the doctor. 
I want to go one solid month without having a CT scan, an xray, or some sort of blood work taken.
I want to not have to take a literal sick day at least once a week, because my body isn't working the way it should. 

I want to actually be able to spend nights studying at the library, instead of being too exhausted to even leave my bed, let alone focus on school. 

I know this sounds like the biggest self pity party you've ever been too, don't worry, maybe if i had some more time on my hands I would make some cute little party hats or favors, or maybe a cute little cake like this 

but if we're being honest here, it is. 

And as usual, instead of being focused on schoolwork I was just browsing Pinterest earlier today, and i read an article about "18 things mentally strong people do" and the very first one was "They move on. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves" and I am sorry - I agree that moving on is important, but when it is your last semester of college and you barely have the energy to get out of bed and shower let alone get good grades, go to work, go to the gym, book a spring break, find a job, basically be a functioning member of the college life because I am too busy being a 22 year old being stuck at the hospital and drs office or pharmacy and feeling like I have the body of an 80 year old woman - it's a little hard to "not feel sorry for yourself" and I have tried. But at this point, I have been worn down. It's hard. It really really is, one of my friends, after finding me asleep in bed at around 7 o'clock the other night, came in and asked me what was wrong, and after explaining to her that I am currently in the process of finding out if I have a cracked rib or kidney stones (while still having bronchitis, what is my life) she said something that I have felt every single day for the past two years "you are always sick. we need to put you in a bubble, you get better and they figure out one thing, and then it is on to the next problem" but she didn't say it in a mean or condescending way - like it was my fault, which I find more and more people are starting to think it is, but she said it in an understanding way, a sympathetic way. 

It felt good, like really good, for someone else to see that too.

I know there isn't anything anyone else can do about this, it is truly my own problem, but sometimes I just need other people to understand what it feels like. And to understand why, no, I cannot be on your beer olympics team this weekend because I'm not drinking, or no, unlike every other college student who still drinks on antibiotics and gets better within a few days, I will still be sick next week from the same problem, or yes, I really did go on my first and last spring break to a beautiful beach which many of my friends and yes, i was sober 6 of the 7 days. Or even no, I am sorry, I cannot be a part of our flag football team for my sorority's philanthropy because I can barely get out of bed because of my pain, let alone go play a contact sport. My life is not normal since my diagnosis, being sick with a chronic illness, especially when it is not quite yet under control, is a full time job, and it is the most frustrating thing in the world to be around thousands of other students and young adults who have significantly less worries than you, only to see that I have a disease tacked on to my problems. And the worst part is: I can't control my disease, and my disease is not my fault. It is an immune disease, it's not because I didn't exercise enough in high school, or lung cancer because I smoked for 20 years (you get the idea), or I ate only fried foods for the past 5 years, but despite leading a completely healthy lifestyle my entire life, this disease still happened to me. 

And yes, I understand that this was a self pity party, but you are invited! (lucky you!) and this is my blog, so deal with it. Just letting you to an little inside of my life recently, and what has made me who I am.