Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Scary Truth

     So there has been a lot going on in my life lately (not that I'm anyone special or anything, life is life, it happens to everyone) but things have been beyond overwhelming, and instead of seeing this blog as a burden, I have started to see it as an outlet. I realize now that when I look back on my own posts, the ones I enjoy re-reading the most are the ones that I wanted to write. Not the ones I wrote because I thought it would get me a lot of page views, or because I thought it would get me more followers, but because I had something I wanted to say, so I said it. And I have also come to realize that yes, I love following other people's lives through this blog universe, but I enjoy reading mine more. I realize that sounds super rude, you guy's may say "So why don't you just keep a diary?" cause, this is MY blog and I will do what I want. Selfish? Who Cares! I love reading my own words, my own thoughts, and having that to re-live to remember just how I was feeling at that exact moment. 

     So I have a few things I want to get out. It is horrifying that I am actually writing this out, because that makes it real. But I'm hoping that will actually help me cope with it. So I am in my senior semester of college - and there is a very real possibility that I won't graduate this semester. Basically, I was supposed to be working 20 hours a week for my field study which is a requirement for my major (and only 10 of it would be paid) which at what I make, 10 hours a week is barely enough to pay my groceries and gas, let alone rent, utilities, sorority dues, medical bills, copays, bi-weekly doctors visits and medication, etc. This would have also been on 18 credits of class work, so it would have been quite crazy. So I decided I would cut it down to just the ten hours a week and do the rest of the 10 during the summer semester so I could spend a few hours a week finding another part time job like babysitting or something a little less demanding. But I found out through my parents that I don't have enough and can't get enough in loans to pay for just this one summer session. So since I am already enrolled in the already 10 hours of field study instead of 20, I am stuck. I don't know what I'm going to do. If somehow I get back up to doing the 20 hours, I will be completely broke. My grades will slip. And I'm not just being negative and dramatic, I was already overwhelmed with the amount of work my 18 credits was giving me while working those 20 hours all at once and the second day of class wasn't even over. 

     Since I am an out of state student one summer session is $3,000, which is absolutely insane, since I won't even really be taking a class, but you need to be enrolled in a class to complete the field study. 

     So what's the moral of the story? The past 48 hours have been me trying to apply to any type of scholarship that could ever exist for a person like me. Also applying to as many jobs as possible so I could at least try to make a living somewhere, somehow. I really had my heart set on grad school considering I need a masters' degree to even get a job in what I want to do eventually, but that is just not an option at this point. I didn't even think I was going to take the GRE this year because I couldn't afford it - but thanks to some Christmas money I finally got to, but it was too late to apply for fellowships which means that I would be working for the university so I would get paid and they would pay my tuition. So right now is just a lot of waiting, and saving (which is impossible since I am literally just making enough to barely make ends meet), and applying, and praying. 

      I'm doing all I can right now - and I don't think I've ever felt so desperate in my life. I know there are other people in my situation, and I sound like a spoiled first world problem kid, I know, I know I am lucky enough to even be getting a college education. But all around me there are kids who their parents are paying for their every meal and every last class that they usually sleep through anyway. Someone I know who has switched majors is having to stay an extra year (out of state) and his parents are paying for it no problem, another friend of mine (I over heard a phone conversation) was weighing her options after graduation and goes "yeah my parents said that if I wanted to go to grad school they would pay for it no problem, so I mean I have nothing else to do, I guess I'll go".  -_- That absolutely KILLS me. have this passion for learning and for helping and for growing my knowledge so that I can put it to use - and there are kids who are getting their master's degree "just because they have nothing else to do". I realize that I come from a household where neither of my parents had college degrees, but it scares me, I don't want my life to be like that. I want so much more for myself and my future family, and it just kills me that other people are getting it handed to them on a silver platter while I may not even get my degree because I am too focused on keeping passing grades while finding a job that will help me pay my rent. 

      I do kind of have to admit, I have been avoiding it. I had a really bad talk with my parents yesterday and they sent me an email telling me all this stuff (grad school wasn't happening at all, I just needed to find an entry level job in something uninteresting so I can get an income to start paying off student loans and that I needed to keep working 20 hours a week (while only getting paid for $10) and just graduate on time) while I was on campus doing work - so naturally I left in tears and haven't been able to think about anything else since. 

     I went to talk to a counselor through my school's amazing counseling program and after talking to her for an hour towards the end of our appointment she states "it's very clear that you are an amazing survivor, now we just have to get you to thrive" and that really stuck with me. I have been through a lot in my young life, my mother passing away, my older brother being killed in a car wreck, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, taking on tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, and I got by. I made it through, I came out on the other side by the skin of my teeth, but now, I need to work on my success, doing better than what is expected, and showing the world what I am really made of. 

       So here it goes - here's to the future and to believing in yourself.