Monday, August 11, 2014

Bumps In The Road

Hello All, 

So I know this is a random topic to start on, but something happened to me yesterday that was kind of a turning point in my life the past few months. I'm not going to go all in depth about the situation, but vaguely speaking, I'm sure a few of you can relate to this. Everyone has something in their lives that causes them grief, whatever it may be, a family member, a toxic friend, an ex, a boss they despise, whatever it is we all know that pit in our stomachs we we know we have to deal or see that person. 

Now the person I'm talking about here to me wasn't quite THAT bad, but you get the picture. This past weekend, someone in my life went from being a bad hard edge that I cut myself on every time I passed them, to one of the many smooth edges that make up my social network and friends today. It sounds cheesy, but that is really the best way I could think to describe it. 

After this happened, this person is no longer a bad point in my life, they aren't someone I avoid, and they aren't someone I actively root against, and that makes me more than happy. I know it's not really a big deal, but to me it really is and I am happy that this part of my life has come and past, and although things were awkward and weird and horrible for a while, things are better now, and that makes me better. 

Friday, July 4, 2014

I'm Coming Back


I know I have neglected this blog for quite some time, really close to a year since I've been good about it. And I hate myself for it. Hate myself for not dedicating the time to it, and now regretting it now that I don't have those things to look back on.

I mean seriously, I didn't even take like 5 minutes to take a second and blog about some damn important things, like IDK...turning 22 *shutter*, being sick ALL.THE.TIME. , graduating college (no really I did it I promise), and best of all ACCEPTING MY FIRST REAL WORLD BIG GIRL JOB! So I have decided that instead of being a boring college student who only wants to lay in bed and watch Netflix and get's all excited when she gets an A on a test, my blog is about to get a little more interesting. 

As I mentioned before, I accepted my first real world big girl job back in like....April-ish? "What will you be doing?!" I know, I know, you are all just DYING to know. Really though, I'm going to be an Admissions Advisor for Virginia Tech. Which basically means I'm going to be traveling to high schools all across the country east coast, and talking to high school students, their parents, and guidance counselors, telling them all about why Virginia Tech is the best place on earth and why everyone should go here, except not EVERYONE can go here because that would be absurd, but you get my point. So also like I said before, I'm finally going to have something to talk about. Between my travels and my top secret admissions adventures that I can't tell you about, this blog should be getting a little big more interesting. 

Having something new in your life is always helpful when you have been stuck in a blog rut for the past year, so I am happy to say that I am a little excited to finally have kind of a theme for this blog here again. 

But in the meantime, I guess we will just be chillin' until I actually start traveling, which will be the end of August-ish. So since it is America's birthday and everything, is here a picture of me and my big from LAST 4th of July since I am super boring and probably won't be doing anything except laying by the pool getting as tan as could be today. (yeah I rocked that red lipstick like once in my life, so that's pretty cool too)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

I Just Want To Be Normal

I just want to be normal.
I want to wake up in the morning without pain.

I want to be able to go to the gym in the weeks before spring break to feel good about myself. 
I want to be in control of my body, and not constantly being at the mercy of steroids and their horrible affects on my body.
I want to live a life where I am not depending on Tylenol and other painkillers every 4-6 hours just to get through the day. 

I want to go one solid week, literally seven days without going to the doctor. 
I want to go one solid month without having a CT scan, an xray, or some sort of blood work taken.
I want to not have to take a literal sick day at least once a week, because my body isn't working the way it should. 

I want to actually be able to spend nights studying at the library, instead of being too exhausted to even leave my bed, let alone focus on school. 

I know this sounds like the biggest self pity party you've ever been too, don't worry, maybe if i had some more time on my hands I would make some cute little party hats or favors, or maybe a cute little cake like this 

but if we're being honest here, it is. 

And as usual, instead of being focused on schoolwork I was just browsing Pinterest earlier today, and i read an article about "18 things mentally strong people do" and the very first one was "They move on. They don't waste time feeling sorry for themselves" and I am sorry - I agree that moving on is important, but when it is your last semester of college and you barely have the energy to get out of bed and shower let alone get good grades, go to work, go to the gym, book a spring break, find a job, basically be a functioning member of the college life because I am too busy being a 22 year old being stuck at the hospital and drs office or pharmacy and feeling like I have the body of an 80 year old woman - it's a little hard to "not feel sorry for yourself" and I have tried. But at this point, I have been worn down. It's hard. It really really is, one of my friends, after finding me asleep in bed at around 7 o'clock the other night, came in and asked me what was wrong, and after explaining to her that I am currently in the process of finding out if I have a cracked rib or kidney stones (while still having bronchitis, what is my life) she said something that I have felt every single day for the past two years "you are always sick. we need to put you in a bubble, you get better and they figure out one thing, and then it is on to the next problem" but she didn't say it in a mean or condescending way - like it was my fault, which I find more and more people are starting to think it is, but she said it in an understanding way, a sympathetic way. 

It felt good, like really good, for someone else to see that too.

I know there isn't anything anyone else can do about this, it is truly my own problem, but sometimes I just need other people to understand what it feels like. And to understand why, no, I cannot be on your beer olympics team this weekend because I'm not drinking, or no, unlike every other college student who still drinks on antibiotics and gets better within a few days, I will still be sick next week from the same problem, or yes, I really did go on my first and last spring break to a beautiful beach which many of my friends and yes, i was sober 6 of the 7 days. Or even no, I am sorry, I cannot be a part of our flag football team for my sorority's philanthropy because I can barely get out of bed because of my pain, let alone go play a contact sport. My life is not normal since my diagnosis, being sick with a chronic illness, especially when it is not quite yet under control, is a full time job, and it is the most frustrating thing in the world to be around thousands of other students and young adults who have significantly less worries than you, only to see that I have a disease tacked on to my problems. And the worst part is: I can't control my disease, and my disease is not my fault. It is an immune disease, it's not because I didn't exercise enough in high school, or lung cancer because I smoked for 20 years (you get the idea), or I ate only fried foods for the past 5 years, but despite leading a completely healthy lifestyle my entire life, this disease still happened to me. 

And yes, I understand that this was a self pity party, but you are invited! (lucky you!) and this is my blog, so deal with it. Just letting you to an little inside of my life recently, and what has made me who I am. 

Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Scary Truth

     So there has been a lot going on in my life lately (not that I'm anyone special or anything, life is life, it happens to everyone) but things have been beyond overwhelming, and instead of seeing this blog as a burden, I have started to see it as an outlet. I realize now that when I look back on my own posts, the ones I enjoy re-reading the most are the ones that I wanted to write. Not the ones I wrote because I thought it would get me a lot of page views, or because I thought it would get me more followers, but because I had something I wanted to say, so I said it. And I have also come to realize that yes, I love following other people's lives through this blog universe, but I enjoy reading mine more. I realize that sounds super rude, you guy's may say "So why don't you just keep a diary?" cause, this is MY blog and I will do what I want. Selfish? Who Cares! I love reading my own words, my own thoughts, and having that to re-live to remember just how I was feeling at that exact moment. 

     So I have a few things I want to get out. It is horrifying that I am actually writing this out, because that makes it real. But I'm hoping that will actually help me cope with it. So I am in my senior semester of college - and there is a very real possibility that I won't graduate this semester. Basically, I was supposed to be working 20 hours a week for my field study which is a requirement for my major (and only 10 of it would be paid) which at what I make, 10 hours a week is barely enough to pay my groceries and gas, let alone rent, utilities, sorority dues, medical bills, copays, bi-weekly doctors visits and medication, etc. This would have also been on 18 credits of class work, so it would have been quite crazy. So I decided I would cut it down to just the ten hours a week and do the rest of the 10 during the summer semester so I could spend a few hours a week finding another part time job like babysitting or something a little less demanding. But I found out through my parents that I don't have enough and can't get enough in loans to pay for just this one summer session. So since I am already enrolled in the already 10 hours of field study instead of 20, I am stuck. I don't know what I'm going to do. If somehow I get back up to doing the 20 hours, I will be completely broke. My grades will slip. And I'm not just being negative and dramatic, I was already overwhelmed with the amount of work my 18 credits was giving me while working those 20 hours all at once and the second day of class wasn't even over. 

     Since I am an out of state student one summer session is $3,000, which is absolutely insane, since I won't even really be taking a class, but you need to be enrolled in a class to complete the field study. 

     So what's the moral of the story? The past 48 hours have been me trying to apply to any type of scholarship that could ever exist for a person like me. Also applying to as many jobs as possible so I could at least try to make a living somewhere, somehow. I really had my heart set on grad school considering I need a masters' degree to even get a job in what I want to do eventually, but that is just not an option at this point. I didn't even think I was going to take the GRE this year because I couldn't afford it - but thanks to some Christmas money I finally got to, but it was too late to apply for fellowships which means that I would be working for the university so I would get paid and they would pay my tuition. So right now is just a lot of waiting, and saving (which is impossible since I am literally just making enough to barely make ends meet), and applying, and praying. 

      I'm doing all I can right now - and I don't think I've ever felt so desperate in my life. I know there are other people in my situation, and I sound like a spoiled first world problem kid, I know, I know I am lucky enough to even be getting a college education. But all around me there are kids who their parents are paying for their every meal and every last class that they usually sleep through anyway. Someone I know who has switched majors is having to stay an extra year (out of state) and his parents are paying for it no problem, another friend of mine (I over heard a phone conversation) was weighing her options after graduation and goes "yeah my parents said that if I wanted to go to grad school they would pay for it no problem, so I mean I have nothing else to do, I guess I'll go".  -_- That absolutely KILLS me. have this passion for learning and for helping and for growing my knowledge so that I can put it to use - and there are kids who are getting their master's degree "just because they have nothing else to do". I realize that I come from a household where neither of my parents had college degrees, but it scares me, I don't want my life to be like that. I want so much more for myself and my future family, and it just kills me that other people are getting it handed to them on a silver platter while I may not even get my degree because I am too focused on keeping passing grades while finding a job that will help me pay my rent. 

      I do kind of have to admit, I have been avoiding it. I had a really bad talk with my parents yesterday and they sent me an email telling me all this stuff (grad school wasn't happening at all, I just needed to find an entry level job in something uninteresting so I can get an income to start paying off student loans and that I needed to keep working 20 hours a week (while only getting paid for $10) and just graduate on time) while I was on campus doing work - so naturally I left in tears and haven't been able to think about anything else since. 

     I went to talk to a counselor through my school's amazing counseling program and after talking to her for an hour towards the end of our appointment she states "it's very clear that you are an amazing survivor, now we just have to get you to thrive" and that really stuck with me. I have been through a lot in my young life, my mother passing away, my older brother being killed in a car wreck, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, taking on tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, and I got by. I made it through, I came out on the other side by the skin of my teeth, but now, I need to work on my success, doing better than what is expected, and showing the world what I am really made of. 

       So here it goes - here's to the future and to believing in yourself.